Michael Jackson...Fireworks and diarrhea.....oh and some vomiting too...

I keep getting requests to update my blog. I am told that it is too long between them...blah blah blah. I say this....can you tell Picasso to simply "whip up a painting"? Or expect Mozart to "throw some tune together"?

Does Mary Hart just "wing" an interview with Brangelina? You cannot force the creative process. Nothing good comes from it. Take David Hasselhoff's ill fated "Anaconda III TV movie. Have you heard of it? No? That's my point. I have had rough week anyway. I have had fluids escaping from multiple orifices this week. I had some vomiting on Monday and some diarrhea Tuesday- Wednesday. Speaking of vomiting....I gotta say that I am sick and tired of all the media coverage on Michael Jackson. I was wondering if that crazy little North Korean Dictator blew Hawaii off the map on Saturday but all that was on was tributes to the "King of Pop". I guess Hawaii is still there. Phew! Had some excitement here Saturday night when daddy tried to get fancy (mom uses another word I am not permitted to repeat) with some Roman Candle fireworks. Bottom line-i cannot tell you how important it is to count how many flares shoot out of the Roman Candle.. by the way it is 10....not 8 or 9. Mommy launched one at uncle Nate in the yard. She says it was an "accident" yet she lined it directly at him and giggled while she lit it. By the way, we ran out of lighter fluid so daddy lit the remaining fireworks with a mini blow torch. I have to say my favorite thing was when uncle Nate shot a bottle rocket from his butt cheeks. It was a miracle our home was standing Sunday morning. It was a miracle Uncle Nate had any body hair left....ANYWHERE. i will post some pictures when i get them developed. well I need to hit the hay. later tators.

Here are some summer pictures...thus far

What is our country coming to?

I keep wondering why other countries want to annhiliate us. I think I have it figured out. We have a TV show called "I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here". Grandma Myers has been watching this on Monday nights when she watches me while mommy and daddy play beach volleyball. I find myself watching it hoping...praying...that a large jungle animal will leap out grab Janice Dickenson by the skull and drag her off and devour her....i imagine that it would be like gnawing at a large rubber ball with all that silicon and Botox. I don't know that she would even be digestible but I would root for that critter nonetheless. C'mon, seeing Saynjaya eat cow testicles?????? Mommy freaks out when I put my hands in my mouth after playing in the dogs water bowl...imagine if I had a fruit bat or a cow testicle hanging from my mouth. She would need Nitroglycerin. Heidi and Spencer......freak me out. I wouldn't be surprised if their heads cracked open and winged monkeys flew out. Do they still perform lobotomies in this country? What a messed up sense of entertainment we have. All I need is a tin coffee can and a wooden spoon and I am entertained for hours. Maybe I am old fashion like that. The day I turn on Seseame Street and see Big Bird and Snuffalufgus wrestling in a mud pit and eating crickets and horse intestines and screaming @#$^%! into the camera will be a sad sad day for me. I am sure it's coming. well, I need to hit the sack, later tators.

I've missed you

Wow it has been a long time since I blogged. Phew! Things have been going pretty well, can't complain. I have been in some "hot water" with mommy and daddy. I have been working diligently on my whine and throwing a tantrum. I got the lip quiver down pretty good (thanks aunt Becca) and i can time it just right that when i throw myself on to the ground i can arch my back when they try to pick me up i become dead weight (thank you cousin Logan). When danger calls the turtle can retract into it's shell..... an opposum plays dead......a squid shoots ink out of it's butt....Lindsay Lohan retreats to a rehab clinic.. me...I contort like a circus freak. Mommy got me a plastic pool...we went to K-Mart the other night and got one...it's purple. the big $12.99 purchase almost didn't happen. we were in line. i was an absolute angel sitting in the cart in the check out lane. there was a horney teenage couple in front of us making out. seriously, you could see part of her cheeks...once the guy moved his hands.....anywhooooo....the guy shoved her up against the pop cooler to kiss her and she bumped into our cart and glared at us like we were in their way. Mommy didn't miss a beat she said, "you working on one of these?"...and nodded down at me- ...as if that was my cue....so what did I do? I did my taradactly scream....the customers behind us were rolling and the horney duo rolled their eyes.....hold on...here's the best part...the couple in front of the teens was one of their parents.....WOW! I didn't get a glance what was in their cart I am guessing dry ice, tiki torches and video cassetts for the soft porn the dad is planning to produce when they got home. WOW! After wards mom and i talked about the ordeal over a bottle of milk (me) and a coffee (mommy). What i should have done was either projectile vomited when mommy nodded on me or pooped myself. They say hind sight is 20/20. I don't like Barbara Walters. Moving on. I had my first chicken nugget last week. I had no idea that Heaven came packaged in a red zip lock bag with the word "Banquet" on the side of it. Nor did I realize Heaven was in the frozen food section of the local grocery store. I am loving oranges too....even the rinds. I put myself to bed now. When I am tired I grab my blankey and Hankey (my hippo) and i head up the stairs. Some nights I have a night cap....I am sleeping through the night too....11-12 hours of sleep is just about right. Well, I need to get to bed. later tators.

She "poops and scores"....

I am lov'n the warmer weather. Mommy has broke out my baby "Daisy Dukes". They don't exactly pass the "sit test" if you know what I mean. My thigh rolls simply pour out of them. The elastic on my diaper is almost like a tourniquet. If you are not into "seeping flesh" it's not for you. Mommy had a rough time at Wal-Mart this evening. We went to get groceries and stood in the check out lane for 2o minutes. The lady in front of us had "Earth friendly" bags, which is great...however she had them individually folded, like mini flags. The check out lady had to unfold them and get them organized so she could cram them full of groceries. She was so slow...blod clots and blind arthritic turtles move faster. It was ridculous. we waited all that time for that lady to get done and when mommy and i left the store we saw the lady, with the "Earth friendly" bags fling a cigarette butt on the ground right before she lept into her Ford Explorer. Unbelievable. i am sure she was on her way home to burn a box full of styrofoam packing peanuts and the tires from her Explorer. Geesh. sometimes people don't make sense. We finally made it home and I blew my diaper out. I mean it was nasty. I like to play this new game while mommy changes my diaper. I like to see how close i can drop the heels of my feet into my diaper with out dipping them into my stinky pooo. I am so excited about this weekend. it is mommy and daddy's anniversary and we are spending it together at the zoo. I can't wait. I went last summer with Aunt Bec and Grandma Myers but i was three months old then. Now that I am so much older I will have more fun. well, I need to get a nap in before dinner. later tators.

New Movie title..."Cute Baby Walking"...hardy har har

Drum roll please.................I am walking now...unassisted...for the most part. Mommy says I look like a drunk circus bear sans the tutu stampering around. Let me tell you it is a whole new world up here. I can reach things now....like door handles....stove knobs and today I pulled a napkin off the bar and on it was a piece of toast. It landed on the floor and Guinness made a meal of it. I love it! I had an interesting weekend. Saturday I went with mommy and her friend Lisa to the South Whitely annual garage sale. What an education I received. It was chaos. There were some rude and pushy folks there. Mommy and LIsa rode around on three wheeled bicycles and I rode in the basket on the back of mommy's. Mommy nearly took out a pod of teenagers. They nearly fell like bowling pins...except there were 5 of them. they were busy talking and texting-WHILE THEY WERE WALKING. Between you and me I think mommy was aiming for them. That is another thing that drives my mommy nuts...people who text while they are driving. We almost got hit by a SUV the other day because the lady was looking down texting. Mommy layed on the horn and yelled "%@#**!" and the lady looked up- and dislodged her head from her fanny and we went on our merry way. Sometimes mommy says things she shouldn't. just because I can't put three words together verbally she thinks I don't understand...doesn't she know I am blog savvy? Sometimes I think that mommy is not only standing in left field but that she has cleared the fence and has gone for a hotdog...and sometimes she doesn't come back if you catch my drift...(wink wink). But she loves me and give me 3 squares a day. Actually, Sunday morning I got 2 breakfasts. Mommy fed me then went up stairs to get ready for church then daddy sat down to eat his breakfast and I begged from him so he put me back in my "piggy chair"- aka "high chair" and fed me a whole banana and part of his toast. Yum Yum Yum. Well, I need to get some shut eye. later tators.